American State Birds

9/22/23

Missoula, MT

Out here, away from places and people I know, I feel as though on an island. The farther I drift from land the harder it is to hear the voices from before. The best friends call out the loudest. I miss those people dearly.

But the farther I go, the freer I feel. All of the voices I didn’t care for fade away. I think about how easily it could be to disappear. Why would anyone want to hear me write about how happy I am that my life is uneventful. I’m not sure I even would, if the roles were reversed.

We’ve been holed up at Will’s mom’s house. Waiting out the poor weather. Weather that, had I been in Seattle several years ago, I might have found comforting. Perfect for staying home and watching a movie. Of course, if I were in Seattle several years ago I would likely be attending class today, with it being late September.

This morning the rain on the roof of the van woke me up, sounding more like shrapnel hitting the side of a metal bunker. My motivation to go anywhere and do anything was pretty close to zero. I distracted myself inside with a cup of coffee, and plugged away at the state birds puzzle started by the entryway. By about 11am I had it completed, and felt I had at least accomplished something today.

I imagine, if I were left to my own devices, I would be expending most of my energy on climbing mountains. My greatest of passions lately. I find no real use for money these days, beyond food and gas, so I’d likely spend much of it on the remaining gear I don’t have (or left back in Washington. Can you bring cramp-ons on a plane?).

However, with mountain climbing being one of the loneliest of sports, and with me being one of the loneliest of creatures, I find myself in a pickle. Therefore, I tend not to think about summits, and find other things to distract me.

Much of the things I want, or wanted, I either have, or seem out of my control to attain. I suppose nothing is ever truly out of reach. But it leaves me with a sense of stagnation regarding life.