A Rather Fine Day For Overthinking

1/17/24

Things are, arguably, very wonderful. As long as one continues to look for the good parts, or rather, keeps a good attitude, life remains tolerable. I often remind myself that life is easy. Being alive, that is. It’s trying to navigate life in this current cultural age that is so difficult.

At times, my brain seems to be melting. It is, as if, slowly oozing out through my ears and every pore, given all the thoughts I attempt to entertain. I have attempted to list my major topics of thought below:

• Dreams have served as a guiding voice in my life lately, and trying to remember them enough to allow them to guide my life is like remembering past events from another person’s life, without the aid of contextual circumstances to help remember them with.

• I go back and forth regularly on the topic of global impact as a realistic source of motivation. If we try to make a change, we risk greater disappointment. If we do not try to make a change, then we allow the world to proceed on it’s standard course, and therefore cannot be upset when things don’t seem to be working very well.

• Typically, the most exciting things about my life don’t sound all that exciting to me. They only sound exciting when I tell my friends about them after the fact. Namely due to the fact that I prefer my friends to be present during such things, and in their absence, even the most exciting things are no more exciting than anything else.

• The amount of free time I have has allowed me to spend a significant amount of time reading, much to my satisfaction, and, I must admit, all according to plan. However, the three books I am currently juggling have added three different voices to the inside of my brain, all demanding my attention. And, regrettably, with no people around to discuss them with.

• The occasional flash of a memory from my early childhood, that I want to hold onto so dearly, and attempt to return to that time of my life, only for it to fade, and remind me of the constant forward progression of time.

I don’t mean very much by listing these, other than to express that there is always something on my mind.

But today I appreciated a break from the usually train of thought, when I showed up after school to facilitate games with kids awaiting their parental pick-up. I like working with kids, because none of those topics listed above matter at all. Not when faced with 20 or so restless 1st-3rd graders. To some, an overwhelming experience. But for me, I am more than happy to have an excuse to think about nothing at all. Nothing other than creative games that require a) a lot of running, b) simple rules, and c) no fine motor skills.

On my drive home, I watched the sun set over the Pacific Ocean, once again. But for some reason this time I wasn’t considering the future at all. Instead, I thought about how nice it feels to have a kid yell “bye Chetco” across an elementary school playground.

Sometimes I look around, at an unglamorous, entry level job in child care, and think “after all of your experience, this is the best you could do for yourself?” But today I felt something closer to pride, after all of my experience, being able to play tag during sunset on a Wednesday evening in January.